About to hang myself...
At around 15 years old I was severely depressed, emotionally repressed and very sad, frustrated and disappointed, but could not express it, so I turned it ALL inward and couldn't cope. I was mentally being torn apart. Not knowing a better solution, I decided I would end it. I put a rope around my neck not from the ceiling but on a hook, and let my head fall down and it was working, things were black as the blood was cut off. I thought finally it will be over and I can escape all this pain.
With my eyes closed, seeing the blackness I suddenly heard a voice say "You don't want to die." It was a man's voice, it was very clear. I didn't know what to think, because I thought I did want to die. Then I heard it again, the voice and "you don't want to die." This was different because his voice had a soft, tender and caring tone, while at the same time there was the authority, wisdom and clear intent of the speaker. I can still feel that exact effect today [20 years later]. I felt this voice cared but knew this way was NOT right for me, that I wouldn't want what awaited me; it wasn't the place to go or the answer.
I stopped what I was doing and took the rope off. I cried as I believed the words were right, though I was disappointed the 'escape' wasn't going to happen. I thought ok so I don't want to die, but ' I don't want to live either'. Neither side was a comfort for me at the time.
I didn't think about who spoke, but certainly not God, since I didn't believe in him and hated him. I carried on with more pain and loneliness. It was a very difficult time and depression was often present. I hadn't yet learned the skills to express and handle my emotions. Also, it took another 6 years to discover why I would want to live. It came out of another plan to commit suicide because my problems were just recycling. I set a time limit and if nothing changed that was it. I was serious.
It was my choice because I was so afraid of the big bad world and anxious about my faults all the time. I was interested in new age ideas and other religions, but despite my 'spirituality' bad things happened and my fears grew stronger. I became crippled by it and felt others were rejecting me.
I hadn't noticed at the time, but there were many Christians who were involved in my life. I learnt a little about God and Jesus and how he'd helped other people turn their lives around. I did NOT think I'd find any answers there, but I was proven wrong, as I read books and heard radio shows about Christian matters. I was curious and the teaching was interesting. However, in the stage of wanting to end it again, I heard a man on the radio speak about his belief in God and that he connected with the Lord by inviting Jesus into his heart one day and that was the start of his journey.
This led to another spiritual encounter which broke through the dark terror for good. I thought I would do what the man did. I invited Jesus in and I felt the same, THEN I felt a very subtle sense that something invisible had floated upwards from my body and away through the ceiling. For the first time ever, my guilt and shame for mistakes was gone and I felt forgiven. It was odd but lovely.
Finally my heart was changed. Over time I learnt how it was the 'God thing' which made sense of why it wasn't right for me to die, and how much purpose there is for every human life. Not quickly but through the years there has been deep healing of the past. I was able to do the hard work, because God supported me and led me to the right people and places for help.
So looking back I believe it was Jesus who came to me as He didn't want to me to die at that time. I had no real idea who he was and his view on life and me, but now I can look back and see that something awful he turned into something good. It gave me compassion to see the pain in others and know there's hope for them too.
God was not finished with me.
About this forum
- 10,728 views
- 51 topics
- 3 followers
Many people have encountered a sense of an unseen companion helping them, lending support or sharing wisdom. If you've had a Third Man encounter and want to share it with others, you're invited to post the experience here.